What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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