Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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