considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
