I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
