at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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