i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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