tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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