Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize