Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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