A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So here I am, sexting at work.
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