I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
