Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
