better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
