Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
