and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
