please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
