Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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