I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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