I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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