alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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