I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm having to shit out rocks
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
