I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
