So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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