I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
