Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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