Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
