If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
