Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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