She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
