Are you still at the party or did I leave?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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