just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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