I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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