Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
