Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
