Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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