I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
