And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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