i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were trust falling into bushes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
