i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
