It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
