Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
