Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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