So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
