I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
