i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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