By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
