you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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