Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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