fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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