I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
