why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
