sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
