Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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