Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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