my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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