He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
