I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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