So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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