My liver just broke up with me...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
