Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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