i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Randomize
