you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
