Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
