Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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